We wanted to start this collection with the first piece we wrote about losing our daughter; her Graveside Service. We wrote this together in those first weeks of grief. It was a labor of love, much like she was, and we are proud of it, just like we always will be of our sweet Tillie. Mathilda "Tillie" Hap Saulmon Saturday, April 30th, 2016 11am, Mt. Calvary Cemetery Wilton, NH
I’d like to begin by saying; we are sorry that any of us have to be here today, but we are grateful that you are here. I’m Mathilda’s Great-Aunt, Annie. Mathilda’s parents, Darcie & Jonathan, asked me to speak today on their behalf and share their words of love and remembrance with all of you, Mathilda’s family and friends. Mathilda Hap Saulmon was born on Friday, March 4th at 3:41am into the loving arms of her Mother and Father. It snowed unexpectedly that day, as if the world was trumpeting her arrival. She was 5 pounds 1 ounce, 20 inches long and an absolute marvel. She had a button for a nose, the sweetest cheeks, quizzical ears and some adorably big feet. She had her Mom’s hands and her Dad’s hair, her mother’s mouth and her father’s skin. She was a beautiful amalgamation of her parents and the love that they share. In these last dark weeks, she has been their shining star. They feel her with them everywhere they go and in everything they do. On the day that Tillie would have been one month old she made it snow here in New Hampshire, her signature move. Yet she made the sun shine bright on her Mom and Dad in North Carolina. As much as they have welcomed the cold, the clouds, the rain and the snow, Mathilda wanted them to remember how beautiful a blue sky can be. She wanted to remind them how soothing it can feel to have the sun warm their skin. She wanted to touch them with a cool breeze and tell them it will all be okay. Darcie and Jonathan are so grateful to have Tillie in the world, in their hearts and all around us. She was the crashing waves her parents’ saw at Two Lights in Maine, and she was the setting sun behind the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. She was the thunder that woke them on the farm, and she was the rainbow that gave them hope. It has been hard for many of us, not holding her in our arms or hearing her cry, but Mathilda has made her presence known and continues to fill the world with all of the beauty she can muster. Tillie is here with us today, in this very special place. It is special not just because it is peaceful, private and green, but also because it is the final resting place of Mathilda’s Great-Grandmother and namesake, Harriett or “Hap”, short for Happy. While we all wish that Tillie could be cradled in the loving arms of her Mom & Dad, it gives some comfort to imagine her being cared for by Nana Hap. As we gather to honor Mathilda, the baby we all lovingly knew as “Peanut”, we also honor our grief in losing her. Grieving for a baby is very different than grieving for a spouse, parent, sibling or other loved one. A baby’s death is especially difficult to endure. A baby’s death upsets the natural order of life. While the death of a parent or friend represents the loss of your past, the death of a baby represents the loss of your future. You grieve not only for your baby, but for your parenthood, grandparenthood, times you had to look forward to, family gatherings and holidays. Mathilda’s death represents a missing branch of our family tree. We have not only lost our sweet Peanut, but also our dreams, a part of ourselves, a part of our future.
Although she was only with us for 40 weeks, Mathilda lived a wonderful life. There were so many experiences Peanut was a part of and everyone here has at least one memory with her. She was the guest of honor at her Mommy and Daddy’s wedding and heard the playful vibration of kazoos as she floated down the aisle. She had a blast tagging along on their honeymoon to Acadia National Park. They camped, hiked, went on a whale watch and felt the sunrise on Cadillac Mountain. She loved music. Whether she was listening to Pandora while her Daddy cooked dinner, feeling the beat at a live concert, or being entertained as her Mommy and Daddy made up silly songs for her. She even got to be in a show! Tillie loved kicking in rhythm while her Mommy sang on stage and always got extra applause from the crowd. She was an active Peanut too. She loved spending Thanksgiving on the farm running around and playing with the animals. She bundled up to go snowshoeing in the White Mountains, was always doing flips and twists in prenatal yoga and kept to her own work-out regiment of daily hiccups and kickboxing. Most importantly, she got to feel all of your love at her baby shower and especially in the thoughtful messages you left to Peanut in all her new books. Tillie loved being read to and joyfully rolled around each night before bedtime as her Daddy read every one of those new books aloud to her, funny voices and all. Mathilda was so loved and she undeniably felt that love every single day of her life.
Even after that life was cut tragically short, Mathilda was brought into the world with love and intention by her brave parents. Darcie and Jonathan were able to let go of their circumstances and share in the excitement of meeting their sweet baby. They did it all together and when they finally met their daughter it was simultaneously the proudest and most devastating moment of their lives. To see her face and feel her weight and kiss her cheeks and to know that they wouldn’t take her home. To feel the joy of finding out she was a girl and seeing all of the ways she looked like them both and to know this was the first and last time that they would ever get to see her. It isn’t fair. But those moments of kissing her and telling her how much they loved her, those hours were the happiest and most fulfilling of their lives because in spite of everything, at least they were with her. They would go through the traumatic events of those two days all over again just to get one more moment with Mathilda. They took one look at her, turned to each other, and knew that her name was “Mathilda”, their “powerful battler”, because she fought so hard. The time they spent together after Tillie was born, as a family of three, was precious, cherished and not a moment of it was wasted. They took pictures, took in as much of her as they could and took the opportunity to just snuggle in bed all together: Mother, Father and Daughter. How could they fit a lifetime of hopes and dreams into a handful of hours?
How can any of us say goodbye to Mathilda without ever getting to say hello? Without ever fully realizing who she would have been. What would have been her favorite color? What would her laugh have sounded like? How big would her eyes have gotten at the first sight of a rainbow? We will never get to know that precocious little girl, that sensitive and unruly teenager, that grounded and intuitive woman. Oh Tillie, what a wonder you were and what a wonder you would have been. We won’t get to raise you, but we will always honor you. We all had so much more love to give you that now we are overflowing with it. So we will speak your name, share your memory and tell people all about you. We will write you letters and plant trees and flowers for you. We will hang birdhouses and put up birdbaths in your honor. From your death we will bring life. We will include you in our daily lives. You will always be loved, Mathilda, and our love for you will grow. You will live on- both in our hearts and in the earth. As we lay you in the ground, know that this, in fact, is not a goodbye. This is just the beginning of your life in this earth. From you, beautiful flowers will grow. You will live on in the soil, in the grass, and in the trees. The bees, and the birds, and all the animals of the forest will be so happy to have you, and they will delight in your splendor. When the rains come, you will flow into the rivers on a great adventure. You will be embraced by all the wonders of life that this world can offer you. And then as you drift into the ocean, you’ll get scooped up by a rain cloud and carried back to bring life to us all.
Luckily, Mathilda's Uncle Greg is a photographer. He was kind enough to take pictures at her graveside service. We cherish these photos-- they are some of the only mementoes we have, and while we wouldn't have thought to ask for these to be taken, we are so grateful to have them. Here are a few we'd like to share with you. Photo Credits: (c)Greg Saulmon, 2016
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